I don’t trust good moods.  I’ve reached a point in my life where whenever things really start going my way I recognize it as a sign that the dominoes are lining up for a big fall.  Saying it out loud (well, you know what I mean) makes me realize how sad that sounds, but I don’t really think in terms of ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ anymore.  I still feel the emotions, of course (there’s not much I can do about that, unfortunately), but I don’t let them dictate my life as much as I used to or as much as others do.  I simply experience them while they last, taking advantage of them and appreciating them while I can, and moving on to the next one without lingering on what’s passed.

I think maybe I should see a psychologist.

The point being I’m currently in a good mood, and I’m a little bit concerned that it’s not going to last.  If you ask me, full-time sadness is preferable to sadness punctuated by brief bouts of happiness, because just when you start getting used to it suddenly you’re happy for awhile and then you’re back to the beginning.  I can handle permanent sadness.

It’s the false hope that crushes me every time.

I think what happens is that when you’re happy you begin to lull yourself into a false sense of security, a state of comfort and ignorance, and eventually what always happens is when something sets you off and you’re blindsided by sadness, you’re that much worse off for not seeing it coming.  Whereas when you’re brought out of sadness by something happy, there’s no shock, because who can complain about being happy, right?

Wrong.

I can complain about being happy.  I get that shock when I’m happy.  It’s what makes me wary of the subsequent fall back into depression.  I mean, I don’t know if the universe thinks it’s doing me a favour by granting my otherwise pitifully melancholy life with occasional periods of happiness, but it’s not.  I’d rather a stable, dead pulse than this rollercoaster of painful emotions.

And that’s why I’m scared of my good mood.  Because I know it’s only going to make the relapse that much more of a shock, like soaking in a tub of hot water before diving into the Arctic Ocean.  I’d rather just go straight to the icy water, if it’s inevitable in the first place.

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