I’ve recently taken up a new lifestyle. I call it DGAF. Some of you may have already heard of it. Basically what it means is that I don’t care anymore. About anything. I mean, obviously I still care a little bit, about certain things; after all, we can’t all be perfect, and as human beings we’re wired to care. Which really sucks when you think about it. But with lots of training and practice, topped off with enough experience being kicked into the ground and having your soul beaten to a pulp by the cruel reality of life, you too can learn not to care as much, just like me!
I suppose the more accurate term would be “don’t sweat the small stuff”, but for some reason that reminds me of chicken noodle soup, which I relate to being sick, which is not a fun time. Also, DGAF sounds a lot more badass.
But seriously, life gets a lot better (and by better I mean slightly less painfully intolerable) when you stop caring. Things just seem to pass by, and you move on. Lowering your expectations to bare minimum zero helps too. You no longer get let down when you inevitably fail, and your emotional wounds are all numbed and cauterized.
I can hear you clamoring: how can we achieve such a desirable and gratifying lifestyle ourselves? Well, I’ll tell you. If you’re fortunate you will have by this point in your lives been let down enough times to be sufficiently cynical about life, if not I’d suggest getting a bit more experience before you begin to ensure the best results. Working towards achieving your dreams is always a good place to start failing. Once you feel you are adequately pessimistic, you may proceed to phase two: drill it into your head that nothing matters. I’d suggest repetition of the following mantra, nine times daily, three times upon waking, once before each meal, and three more times before going to bed: Nothing matters, and while I guess it’d be pretty cool if I achieved all my life goals, I probably won’t, and that’s okay, because nothing matters anyways. Once you’ve gotten this drilled into your head, you should see improvements in no time. Or maybe you won’t, but it doesn’t matter either way.
Now, I know what you smartasses are thinking: Modern Leper, if you don’t care about anything, why do you even have a blog? If you don’t have any hopes or dreams, why do you still write?
Well, my dear smartasses, my answer comes in four parts:
- That’s The Modern Leper, thank you very much.
- No one likes a smartass, and I should know, considering I am your king.
- As you may or may not remember me mentioning earlier, I do still care about some things, because I am flawed as a human being.
- I don’t write entirely out of the hope that one day I’ll be published and become a millionaire: believe it or not I also write simply because I like it. It’s one of few things I enjoy that won’t let me down (on a regular or permanent basis. There’s always the issue of writer’s block, which is extremely frustrating, but so far I’ve always gotten over it eventually).
So there you have it. DGAF lifestyles, in stores everywhere now. Brought to you by yours truly. Good luck out there.