Well, for once I’ve actually got good news. My most recent and arguably most drastic amputation, that of all “friends”/acquaintances, is actually turning out pretty good. It was a little rocky at first, hell it’s still a little rocky, but I’ve been feeling a lot better about things.
For starters it’s one less source of anxiety, and that’s never a bad thing. No longer having to engage in anything more than surface level small-talk with other people has taken a huge load off my chest. I haven’t been worrying about what other people think of me as much, haven’t been put in a position where I feel the need to prove myself. Ever since as far back as I can remember I’ve felt inadequate in the eyes of others, felt like I needed to gain their friendship, gain their respect.
I’ve fumbled my way through school just trying to fit in, trying to shape myself into something desirable, something worth having around. What I didn’t realize was that in my efforts to trim my sides to fit into the puzzle I was only segregating myself more and more. I wasn’t fitting in: my character was (and doing a piss-poor job of it too, I’ll say). It was never me there with them; it was the character I’d created, the role I’d tried to fulfill. I was stuck in a perpetual state of solitude; far away from who I was and far away from who I thought I wanted to be.
All that time I’d been so busy trying to live for other people that I’d forgotten how to live for myself.
Now, with that out of the way, I’ve been taking some time to rediscover who I am as a person, who I want to be for myself. Oscar Wilde once said “I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person”, and in this case truer words have never been spoken. I’m stripping away the layers, the costumes I’ve adorned over the years in my futile efforts to be accepted, to be normal, and I’m finding what lies beneath. I’m finding myself again, and I’m beginning to realize that not all of it is so bad after all.