Well, I’m still here.

Unfortunately, I might add with a dramatic and rather melancholic sigh.  I should probably apologize for the prolonged silence, followed by an explanation.  So, sorry about the prolonged silence (regardless of whether or not you missed me, I might add.  You’re going to take that apology and you’re going to like it).

The explanation is more of an excuse, really.  Like most of my “explanations” it’s just my chosen justification for once again skirting my responsibilities, regardless of however often the fruits of their labours may pass unacknowledged and unrecognized by the world, I might add as a rather unsubtle hint.

My first year at university ended about a month ago, so naturally I came back home.  Since then I’ve been so busy with the family that I haven’t really had much luck with writing.  I mean admittedly I could definitely have been trying harder, but I haven’t really been feeling up to the task of tackling my most recent diagnosis of writer’s block.  After that tumultuous school term all I really want to do is take it easy.  Forever.  I just want to sit back and ignore all my responsibilities until I just die.

Not that I haven’t already been doing that for like since always, but you know what I mean.  I want to take it easier-er.

I don’t like trying.  Part of it is the whole thing where I’m afraid of failure and I try to trick myself into thinking that if I never try then I haven’t really failed.  But the other part of it is that I’m just lazy.  It’s as simple as that, unfortunately.  I’m a lazy piece of shit.

Being back home is… weird.  I’m always so preoccupied with everyone else that I sort of forget to be sad.  I still find time for it, like when I’m lying awake at night staring up into the darkness wishing the cold embrace of sleep would release me from the torment of my thoughts, but most of the time the others distract me from myself.  Which in some ways is nice, but in others is confusing.  I mean, on the one hand the reprieve is nice, but on the other, if who I am is so dependent on others then what does that say about me?  It’s the whole reason I cut ties with my ‘friends’.  And obviously I can’t cut ties with my family (well…  I guess I could, but I don’t really want to), so where does that leave me?

Anyways, this wasn’t really supposed to dissolve into a Journal /Random Thoughts entry; it was just meant to let you all (again, all 13 of you) know that I’m still here, and with luck you’ll be seeing some new posts fairly soon.  I’m still working on finishing up The ABCs of the Abstruse, the Bleak and the Conjectural (G is giving me hell, which is pretty funny considering what it’s about), and I’m going to try some new writing methods so we might (dare I say it?) see a new short story soon-ish.

Oh, and before I forget, any thoughts on the new design?  I wanted to do something that was more personal.  I mean the light bulbs in the rain were nice, but didn’t really say much about who I am or this blog’s identity.  And besides, how metal are skeletons, amright?

Good luck out there, my lucky 13.

– The Modern Leper


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