Do you want to know what the worst part of all of this is?  It’s that I can’t even resign myself to a state of thinking, to a state of being, and let that be it.  I’ve become so used to second-guessing and chastising myself that I no longer have the luxury of single-mindedness.  In other words I can’t even be content to wallow in my own misery.

I know that I was dealt a shitty hand.  I know that life isn’t fair.  But I also know that there are people out there who’ve been dealt far shittier hands than I have, and that the only thing that makes life seem unfair is the notion that it was ever meant to be anything else.  It’s kind of hard to gripe and complain when your mind keeps on bringing up those two awfully valid points.

So I don’t even get to be comfortable in my own self-pity.  How great is that?  And it’s not like my mind has suddenly made me feel better about myself, oh no, because that would be too easy.  It’s only given me just enough pushback to keep me from feeling fully justified in my way of thinking, without actually having changed my way of thinking.  So I still feel shitty, I just can’t feel that my feelings are fully validated, which makes me feel even shittier for complaining.

I don’t know why I’m so eager to feel sad.  I don’t know why it makes me mad to see success stories about people who’ve been through similar ordeals and made it out okay, preaching the power of optimism and positive thought and butterflies.  I don’t know why I’d rather settle into sadness then work for happiness.

At this point, it feels like I don’t know anything.


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