I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but instead of trying to figure it out I watch Netflix and surf the internet all day. I distract myself from my responsibilities, from my deadlines and commitments, choosing to live in fantasy worlds rather than this dull reality.
I was never really good at “real life”. Sometimes I think I must have missed some crucial class in elementary school, one that taught everyone how to be normal, how to function in everyday situations, how to cope with the crushing weight of day to day existence without going insane. Who knows; maybe I was in the hospital that day.
There are things I feel like I should know, things that everyone else seems to know, that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around. I don’t know how to operate in the real-world, and what’s worse is I have no desire to change that. Maybe it’s a case of the fox calling the grapes sour, but I want no part in this world. It just seems so… needlessly complicated. People are complicated, school is complicated, relationships are complicated, jobs are complicated. I have no energy left to try and work those things out, far less to carry on feigning interest in them. I can’t fathom what I’m going to do today, far less for the rest of my life. So instead of trying, I just turn my back to it all.
I’ve created a sort of limbo for myself, one in which I can wallow in the blissful ignorance of believing that this is what my life will be like for eternity. I don’t have to think about reapplying for school, or getting my own place, or finding a job, or killing myself. I just glide along in perpetual oblivion, cut off from the world outside this room and all the stresses that come with it.
But eventually that world is going to come crashing down around me. I know it will. It’s only a matter of time. Eventually I’ll be forced from my standstill, shaken from this tree by cruel reality. And I’m beginning to worry the fall might break me.