“And fully clothed, I’ll float away
Down the fourth, into the sea.
I think I’ll save suicide for another day.”
– Frightened Rabbit, Floating in the Fourth
For a long time now things have been pretty bad for me here on earth, and permanent, dreamless slumber sounds like a solid exchange for this hellhole. There. I said it. I’d take oblivion over this any day. So why don’t I? Why am I here typing this out, instead of hanging from my ceiling fan with shit running down my leg? I’ll tell you why:
I don’t know.
We’ve already established I’m not scared of dying, at least not consciously. I’m sure subconsciously I’ve still got the regular amount of apprehensions regarding the cessation of my existence, but on the surface, not so much.
If I had to guess, I’d say the main reasons I’m still here are that a) I care too much about how my death would affect my family, and b) I may still be holding on to that last glimmer of hope that things will get better, slight as it may be (and trust me; it’s pretty damn slight). I mean there are the less personal reasons, like the fact that biologically we’re not wired to kill ourselves because of the whole animalistic impulses and nature and whatnot, but I think those are my main apprehensions.
Okay, you know what? Scratch that. Fuck that whole “my poor family” gimmick. And fuck the whole “ambition for my future” bullshit too. Instead, here’s a simple equation to explain exactly what’s going on in my mind.
My Life < Oblivion < [Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency + Rick and Morty + Black Mirror + Game of Thrones + Hannibal + Gravity Falls + Adventure Time + BoJack Horseman + Mr. Robot + Daredevil + Stranger Things etc.] + [Frightened Rabbit + Macklemore & Ryan Lewis + Wildlife + Typhoon / Kyle Morton + Black English + Hayden Calnin + Hey Marseilles + Gotye + Stabilo + The Lumineers + TWENTY ØNE PILØTS + Ben Howard etc.]
That’s it. That’s why I’m still sitting here. Not for anything as grand or romantic as trying to spare my family my loss, or because I still think this story is going to have a happy ending. No, I haven’t killed myself yet because as of right now submerging myself in art and fiction is far more appealing than oblivion. I’m still here because until I’m forced to make a decision, I’m content to just sit here, surrounded by old friends and family.
And I’m not talking about my genetic relatives.
The only way I’ve found to cope with my life is by pretending it’s not mine. By hiding behind this screen I can hold off my demons, even if it’s only for a little while. But when the time comes, I know I’ll be able to do what needs to be done. I just hope by then I’ll have finished all my favorite series.