I haven’t really been in a productive mood lately. I know; what else is new? Motivation has always been a big issue for me, coming and going as it pleases and leaving me drowning in unfinished projects and half-baked ideas. And I’m not just talking about writer’s block, because this has become a universally reoccurring trend in my life.
I was never anything more than mediocre in school because I could never bring myself to care enough to try. I’d do good in classes that interested me, because the work was never really work, but the second something bored me I would completely lose interest. And heaven forbid I fail at something, lest I immediately give up.
Sometimes I’ll look at other people and I’ll just marvel at their capacity for doing things. Just the fact that they’re able to do things, and continue to do those things, is awe inspiring. It’s like, how have you not stopped doing that thing yet? How have you not given up already?
It would be nice to simply say I have a short attention span and call it a night, but I don’t think that’s it. Or, you know, not all of it. Maybe I’ve just become so accustomed to failure and disappointment that I no longer expect anything more than the bare minimum from myself. Maybe I’ve resigned myself to the role of “bitter disappointment” as an excuse for not having to try anymore.
Or maybe I’m just wired differently. Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have the patience to waste my time on things that have no meaning to me. Life is short; why waste it doing stuff you hate?
I’m sick of comparing myself to others and then inevitably feeling inferior. I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in, and maybe that’s because all this time I’ve been trying to squeeze myself into the wrong peg hole. I think it’s about time I stopped worrying about other people’s expectations and started worrying about my own.
That’s not an excuse to just lie about the house all day watching cartoons though. It means knowing the difference between when I’ve resigned myself to failure and when I’ve actually failed. It means knowing my own limitations, and knowing where they end. It means going at my own pace, and no slower.
It means I need to stop trying to be someone I’m not.