What Will Destroy You

“You say that you’re grateful for the time alone
Two years away, “No, I don’t miss home”
And someone asks you if you ever think of her
and you smile politely and you demure

Then all at once your head starts to swim,
And you can feel her breath on your skin
You find that you stare at the same spot for days,
she’s above you, below you in waves”

– The Airborne Toxic Event, All for a Woman

Okay, so something’s been bugging me for a while now, and even though I know it’s just the same old story all over again and that I shouldn’t indulge in these fantasies, I can’t help but feel the need to get it off my chest.  So:

Do you remember the girl I’d mentioned in Infection, Pt. II?  No, not the one I’d fallen out of love with; the other one.  The one I’d said was an old friend.  Well, the truth is I’ve always sort of had feelings for her.  But what made her different, what kept me from amputating her from my life (up until I eventually did, of course) was that a) I’d valued our friendship too much to cut her out, and b) the feelings had been fairly… manageable.  I don’t know what it was, but I felt comfortable around her.  It wasn’t like a rush of powerful emotions, like it usually is when I fall in love.  It was quiet and modest, and I thought that meant I would be able to drown it out, to satiate it with friendship.  And it worked, too.

For a while.

But now that everyone’s gone and I’m left with the memory of her, something feels wrong.  I should be over her by now, but it’s been almost a year and I still think about her almost every day.  My feelings for her were never as powerful as the others, so why haven’t they faded yet?

She always meant a lot to me, even when I was making an effort to dial back my emotions.  And maybe that’s what’s going on.  Maybe now that I no longer have a friendship to keep the feelings in check, they’re running wild and rampant around my head.  I can only hope that eventually they’ll get tired and die off like the rest, but I’m getting worried.

She was the one on my mind when I wrote that goodbye letter to my old friends, and she’s been the one who’s made me question this whole amputation time and time again.  I miss her, as much as I hate to admit it.

I miss you.

I’m sorry that things ended up this way.  I’m sorry you meant more to me than I could ever have meant to you.  I’m sorry I was too chickenshit to tell you how I felt, and I’m sorry I let my weaknesses taint our friendship.  Because even though I was never your best friend, I want you to know that you were mine.  And I want you to know that I’m sorry.  For everything.  You were never the only girl I fell in love with, but you were the only one I stayed in love with.

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