“Seventeen seconds and I’m over it
Ready for the disconnect.
Putting on a brave face
Trying not to listen
To the voices in the back of my head”
– Gotye, Easy Way Out
I don’t do well around people. Relationships make me self-conscious, mostly because I care a lot about what other people think of me. I get attached very easily, and then I start to worry that they don’t like me as much as I like them, and it makes me feel insignificant. I care what they think, and it makes me feel needy. I don’t want to offend them, and it makes me feel weak.
The problem isn’t as bad from behind the safety of my screen, but I can still feel it worming its way to the surface, even now. It’s part of why I’ve stayed away for so long, why I’ve been hesitant to jump back into writing.
I’m thinking about leaving the blog.
Well, no. That’s a little misleading. It implies I’m actually contemplating the possibility- which I’m not. Just so we’re clear, I have no plans whatsoever to stop blogging.
But I hear the whispers, feel the tug of that all-too familiar escape, urging me to sever the line. Urging me to take the easy way out. You’re the modern leper, aren’t you? When things get too complicated, you cut them loose. That’s just what you do. And aren’t you due for another amputation?
Connections get messy- that’s no secret. Relationships are tricky, even without the added burden of social anxiety and misanthropy. But I’m starting to learn that you can’t just run away whenever things get tough. Sometimes you need to pull up your gloves and fight for what’s worth fighting for. And this blog -my writing– is definitely worth fighting for.
The people I’ve met here, the connections I’ve made, are worth fighting for.