“It feels like there’s oceans
Between me and you, once again
We hide our emotions
Under the surface, and try to pretend“
– Seafret, Oceans
I did a stupid thing today. I looked her up on Facebook. I guess in the wake of the whole “fighting for what’s worth fighting for” thing and trying to cut out my habit of cutting people out, I thought maybe I should try and reconnect with her. I mean it’s not like I haven’t been thinking about it every day since I first cut her out, because I have. But it’s only now that I’m starting to give it serious thought.
I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe some sign that my amputation had had some effect on her, some sign that she missed me too. Maybe I was hoping for a reason not to contact her, an excuse for letting things be. Maybe I just wanted to see her face again.
She looked… normal. Happy. I didn’t stay too long, mostly because it felt kinda stalker-ey, and I was uncomfortable with the whole thing. But she looked good. It was like nothing had changed.
Seeing her photos, reading what she’d been up to, made me realise something. It made me realise that she is a person who exists outside of my mind, outside of my ideals. She has her own thoughts and aspirations, hopes and fears, loves and hates. Her life went on even after our friendship ended. Both our lives went on. And I think it’s time I started acting like it.
She’s not perfect. No one is, really. And she doesn’t exist to serve my romantic notions of true love, to conform to my ideals or the outline of her I’ve drawn up in my head. The person I’ve fallen in love with only half exists. I don’t even know the other half. I filled in the gaps with things I hoped to find, with pieces of personality that would only ease my steady decline into head over heels in love.
Maybe I needed to see her one last time. To remind myself of the person behind the image in my head. To remind myself that she was only human. To bring me back down to earth.
For a long time now I’ve put my happiness in the hands of others, and then blamed them when things didn’t pan out. I stranded myself out at sea and then put it on her to bring me back. I made her out to be this perfect person, someone who would come along and squeeze all of my broken pieces back together again, and in doing so completely shirked off any responsibility for my own happiness.
I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get over her, and I don’t know that I won’t just fall for someone new and make the same mistakes all over again. But I feel like something’s changed, like something inside me is different.
At least I hope so.
“I want you, and I always will
I wish I was worth
But I know you deserve
You know I’d rather drown
Than to go on without you
But you’re pulling me down”